Thursday, September 18, 2014

Wednesday, September 17, 2014


It's a funny thing, the feeling you get when your life is about to change the most.
When little things happen, when life's little stresses get you down, you feel a lot more. You feel in colour, in texture, in layers.
I guess you know exactly how you're feeling.

But in those life-defining moments (or at least, present-day-life-defining moments), everything feels raw.
Like all of your outer layers have been stripped away and there's a gaping hole in your chest. You feel as though your core runs deeper than just a compression below your sternum.

It's funny how calm you can feel when your heart feels as though it's about to be crushed.
Sometimes I wonder if it's a fight or flight response. Like you become hyper-aware of the situation you're in, so the world around you shrinks to this one focal point. This one period where you need to focus all of your energy and time, all of your emotion, all of your thoughts.

And yet, in these important moments you can be so calm.

Still driving at the speed limit although you have no idea how much longer she actually has left, or if you'll say goodbye in time.

Asking the pragmatic questions, even though this is something you've feared for a while now.

But in a while, things will start to crumble.

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Monday, August 18, 2014


His fingertips brush over her soft belly as she spins, finding time to get to know the curve of her back.
Her hand finds his again and grips tightly, his fingers dwarfing hers.

Neither is as the other expected, yet neither is entirely phased.

Parts of this routine feel rehearsed, whilst some movements simply flow, inspired by the rhythm apparent in the moment, driven by the raw melody of their acute (if not fleeting) honesty.

He sees himself in her eyes, whilst she sees herself only in his bed. Or perhaps it's the other way round. This music is haunting, devouring, and sometimes they forget who is who anymore.

At times she interprets the harmony while he becomes the rhythm, at others they join together to represent the same part of the song- a song that once made him scream in frustration, and her in anticipation.

For once neither is in control. Neither has the upper hand as they spin, lean and pass together in this dance.
There is no one else. There need be no one else in this moment of blissful improvisation.
The spotlight follows them as the passion of the song becomes evident, as he grabs her hand and her waist once more.

When the time comes to take a bow, he's sure there will be applause.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Here comes the

I think I'm just going to have a wee ramble about my feelings, which I haven't really done since I started posting fiction on this blog.
I think I sort of began to think that fiction is really what I need to post, so if I'm not writing, or if I'm not writing well, I shouldn't be posting.
But I didn't start this blog to have it read by the whole world, and putting things down in words seems to work for me, so perhaps this blog will have a few more ramblings again.

My 'holiday' is just about over!
I'm incredibly happy with my results, and for once I'm feeling like I can be good at things. It's funny, because I've always felt like I'm fairly average at most things I put my hand to, and it worries me. I don't want to be a Jack of all trades, but the trouble is, I want to master ALL OF THE THINGS.
And that is impossible, am I right?
Anyway, I've been feeling a little low that I'm not painting or writing much at the moment. But at the same time, this has been a fantastic year (thus far) for dance, study, and work. There are only really so many things you can put your heart and soul into at one time, and when I think "I used to be so much better at insert thing Siobhan is worrying about here," I'm actually beginning to realise that whatever that thing was, I was putting a lot of time and effort into it at that point.

I was really very good this year, and gave up quite a few commitments, and I think I've worked the hardest I ever have at Uni. It's funny, because I love study, I love research, but I love movement. I love learning about movement, and part of me feels like if no one else does the research I'm doing (and the research I'm in talks with other researchers about doing) then no one will- but so much of research is sitting!

The trouble with me is natural curiosity. I want to know about everything. I am nosy. I want to learn about and understand everything. I'm in talks about more postgrad study (Note to self and reader, taking at least a year off to do things before I come back to uni, if I come back), and I'm having trouble because two supervisors from two different fields have said they'd be keen to work with me and it is so hard to pick!

Sometimes I think all this specialisation in injury is exactly what I want, because my initial dream job was as a sport science role with a professional sports team, and strength and conditioning for injury prevention and recovery would be essential for any team. Then other times I think that I love volunteering in the EXPINKT (exercise training beyond breast cancer clinic) and there's no way I can become a clinical exercise physiologist without doing more postgrad!

And then you know what I think? I think that I love teaching things. Sometimes I dream of being a lecturer and doing my PhD and being Dr. Milner, and then other times I think, yeah you know what? I might be one of the world's most overqualified personal trainer/gym class instructor but it's so much fun!

I don't know. I have a lot options, I think. And I'm starting to believe that I can learn now, when I used to think that all talent was innate when it came to me, and so I'd never be more than average.